To be honest, I didn’t even know that my soul needed healing. I didn’t even realize just how damaged it was. God knew, though, and He was pushing me straight into this much needed time of soul healing. About this time He brought a book into my life, “How’s Your Soul” by Judah Smith. As I started reading the book I wasn’t thinking too much of it. A lot of it was stuff I already knew said in a different way. As I kept reading it kept sinking deeper and deeper within me. It was like God was very slowly taking off blinders that were on my soul. Well, at least at first I though it was blinders but what it actually was were bandaids and gauze and medical tape and all the stuff I had been slapping on my aching soul without even realizing it. As the bandages were coming off the real pain started settling in. The realization that I had neglected my soul for awhile now and it was a mess had hit me smack dab in the center of my face. This was good though because admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Right. I had a problem. My soul was in dire need of rest and healing.
The next few months of my 18 month healing process brought about forgiveness. There were people I had let down and people that I had hurt and I had to confess and repent to them and ask for forgiveness. Some were close friends, some were people I had worked with and some were merely acquaintances and some were family members like my husband and children who I had neglected. Asking for forgiveness is a very humbling experience, but an experience that draws you to closer to God and into deeper relationships with the people you ask to forgive you. In our family you aren’t aloud to just say “sorry”. You have to specifically name what you are asking for forgiveness for. Confession is specific. It’s so much easier to just “I’m sorry” and run off (I have a 7 year old and he loves to do it this way). It takes God working in you and your heart to be specific about the sin that you have committed against another person.
There were also people that had hurt me that may never ask for forgiveness but I had to forgive them anyways so I that could move forward in my healing. Did you know that you don’t have to wait for someone to ask for forgiveness before you give it? Sometimes, a lot of times, people don’t even realize that they have offended you so how are they even supposed to know that they need to ask for forgiveness? If you sit there, though, and just brood over the fact that this person has sinned against you and think that you will just sit around and wait for them to ask for forgiveness, all the while you are becoming more and more bitter towards them, then all you are really doing is just ending up in sin yourself. That’s not healthy at all. We need to forgive those that have sinned against us just as Jesus did. He didn’t wait for every person on the earth to come and ask for forgiveness before He died on the cross. He forgave our sins while we were still sinning! Romans 5:8,”But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Once I was able to give and receive the forgiveness that needed to happen I felt this immense weight lifted off of my shoulders. Unforgiveness can really do a number on you. It leads to bitterness if you hold on to it to long and that bitterness becomes an amazing stronghold for satan. He loves to come in there and turn your thoughts upside down so that you end up just thinking hateful, angry things. Which is the exact opposite of what forgiveness is. Asking for forgiveness cleaned my side of the street and got me right with God. It brings us to a place of humility before God and the person we have sinned against. Giving forgiveness to people doesn’t mean we are excusing what they did it means we are choosing to move forward in healing the hurt that was done to us. It sheds the bitterness from our hearts and frees us from Satan’s stronghold.
After I walked through this time of forgiveness, the only thing that I had left to do was sit with Jesus and heal. This was so very hard for me. I wanted to get back out there and get back into ministry work. I wanted to reach out to other’s and see how I could help them. But God kept telling me “no”. My prayers became focused on asking God what He wanted me to do next. What opportunity did He have waiting for me just around the corner. How did He want me to get ready for it. His answers always focused on telling me, once again, that all He wanted from me right now was to sit quietly with Him and rest and heal my soul. Just be still. Well, obviously I’m not very good at doing that so this was a hard lesson for me.
Journal entry from 6 months into the healing process: “Not sure what I need to write about today. I miss teaching people about the gospel. I love spending time in God’s Word learning and researching and writing notes that God then turns into a lesson to teach myself and others. I love the feeling of the Holy Spirit working in me and through me as I speak His words. I can’t help but wonder when I’ll get to do it again. I won’t say “IF” because I can’t imagine God giving me the gift of teaching and then not using it.
In my studies lately I have learned so much about how wrongly I handled things in the past. At times I start to beat myself down again with thinking “I wish I would have done that differently.” But again, I need to remember Christ’s words of “Forgetting what is behind me and moving forward to what lies ahead of me.” (Philippians 3:13). How will I become a better leader moving forward? How will I not allow my self-loathing to affect me moving forward? How will I handle people pulling me down moving forward? How will I stand up for myself moving forward? I cannot change the past. No amount of dwelling on it or replaying the events differently in my head will change it. I can, however, learn from it and take what I learn and move forward with it. This is what I choose to do.”
I finally gave in and stopped trying to push my will on God and accepted His will of sitting in silence with Him and focused on healing. This time of healing involved digging deeper into my soul and really understanding why the past hurts and self doubt got to me so much. It involved growing up a little, maturing. It was a time for me to focus on me, something I was horrible at doing but something that I so desperately needed to figure out how to do. I had to learn to become okay with going into my room and shutting everyone and everything else out so I could rest in the Word, or literally rest while watching Netflix, or going and getting my nails done without feeling guilty about doing something for myself. I know it sounds silly, but it was hard for me to be self-focused like that. Over the months I have seen and felt the positive impact that comes from me taking the time to be “selfish”. It makes me less grumpy, less tired. It makes my heart happier when I do serve others because I have taken the time to refill myself. Before I was working off of fumes. I was constantly pouring out of my soul but not taking the time to refill my soul. Have you ever been driving when you ran out of gas? The car starts to make puttering sounds as it slowly creeps to a dead stop. You just pray that it makes it to the gas station before it completely stops, otherwise you’ll have to get out and push it. That was me. I was starting to putter, but I didn’t even realize it. God, in all His infinite wisdom and His amazing grace pushed me over to the gas tank (Himself) and began to fill me back up. At first it felt like it was taking forever for the gas to pump. You know how it is when you get that pump that you swear it’s just dripping gas into your tank one little drop at a time and you watch the numbers turn ever so slowly and think that you’ll be there pumping gas for the rest of your life? Ya, that’s how I was feeling. But the longer I stood there, still, getting filled by Jesus the more comfortable I got there and the more I enjoyed it. I fell in love with the time of sitting at His feet and being with Him and being in the quiet....
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