Welcome

So why a blog and why now and why “Relatable”?  Great questions.  I’ve got answers.

Why “relatable”?  About a year or so ago I was taking a bath after a long, hard day.  I don’t remember exactly why the day was long or hard now, I just remember being at my wits end and needing a good cry and the bath or shower is always the best place to do that, in my opinion.  There I was in the tub crying and I just started talking to God.  Okay, I was actually complaining to Him.  I was telling him how much I disliked, okay I actually said hated, that I had so much crap in my life that people could relate to.  The conversation went like this..... “God, I hate that I can relate to people dealing with infidelity, and people struggling with addictions or an addicted spouse, and people going through infertility, and people raising special needs kids, and people who homeschool, and people who have had broken engagements, and people who have normal kids, and people who have their kids in public schools, and people whose kids are at a charter school, and people who have lost a parent or a close loved one, and spouses who are separated, and people with certain health issues.  You know it just really sucks that you have put me through so much and made me so relatable.”  The whole time I was yelling this at God tears were streaming down my face.  When I was done with my little tantrum, I just sat there quietly feeling sorry for myself.  That’s when I heard His still, small voice whisper to me, “I haven’t taken any of your kids from you.  You can’t relate to someone who has lost a child.”  God knows I am a stubborn red head who needs a really hard smack in the back of the head sometimes and thats exactly what this was.  A good, hard smack.  Immediately my tears dried up and my lamenting turned to worship and gratefulness.  He was right.  He hadn’t made me relatable in every way possible. I realized that even though I was relatable to many I was not relatable to all.  But, He had made me relatable and it wasn’t a bad thing like I was feeling it was at that moment on that day.  Being relatable was a good thing.  Being relatable made me more usable for His kingdom and His glory.  

Why a blog?  You all told me I should.  So I did  Hahahaha.  Actually, all the positive feed back that I was receiving from my FB posts and people telling me that I should write a book or start a blog was just the motivation I needed to jump in and do it.  I actually have been working on a book for the past few months but it has been slow going.  Writing little articles here and there seems to be much more feasible for me at this point in my life.  Maybe one day, if that’s what God wants to do, it will all turn into a book.  For now, I will take the book idea that God placed in my lap and turn it into blog form.   The whole idea behind this blog will be that I can write about all the above mentioned ways that I am relatable and have them all categorized for those visiting the blog.  For example, if you or someone you know is going through infidelity with their spouse you will be able to click on the “infidelity” tab and all the articles I have written on the topic will be there for you to read along with resources to get help.    Be patient with me, though.  It will take some time to write all that God has put in my head to write so it will be slow going at first.  

Why now?  My husband and I were blessed to be a part of a ministry for 5 years that helped others struggling through what we had struggled through.  I also had the privilege to counsel many women struggling in their marriages.  A little over a year ago God called me away from all of that and into a time of solitude and soul healing with Him.  It was a hard year.  A year of wondering through the wilderness searching for answers and clinging to God.  I came out of that year in a much better place then I have ever been.  In a deeper relationship with God then I had ever had and a much stronger desire to reach out to hurting people then I ever thought possible.  I missed teaching about God’s love for us and I missed sitting with hurting souls and showing them the hope they have in Christ.  I missed being a vessel for God to use.  I started praying about what was next but God kept telling me to just be patient and to be still and quiet.  Three things I am not so great at.   Then the book idea started to form in my head and I slowly started writing.  That didn’t seem to be the thing He was calling me to do.  Then I had a breakthrough after our rough weekend in Monterey that I needed to start getting my writing out there now, in real time.  It would be healing for me and a way for God to use me.  So, that’s what I did and when the response was so positive I new that I had found what God was calling me to do.   And here we are.  With a blog.  Kinda scary.  Very exciting.  Glad you are here with me.  

Jesus Wept

John 11:35, “Jesus Wept”. It’s the shortest verse in the Bible and for me, at times, has been  one of the most powerful. Why was Jesus weeping?  He had just spoken with the sisters of his friend who had died.  They were mourning.  Jesus is full of compassion and felt their suffering.  I could go into so much more detail here of why Jesus wept but for now I want to stick with the compassion component.  (If you’d like to read a great article on this short, powerful verse go here https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-jesus-wept).  Jesus hurts when we hurt.  He weeps when we weep and yet why is it that when we cry we automatically apologize for crying?  Jesus wept without apologizing, so why can’t we?

This morning was a rough one with Gillian.  The entire last week has been been a swinging pendulum on the rough not rough scale.  Today it swung towards rough. The morning started out well.  Gillian was in a great mood and excited about the eye doctor appointment we have this afternoon.  She loves going to the doctor’s, thank goodness since she’s had to go to so many in her lifetime.  We got ready for school without any drama until it was time to actually get in to the car to go.  I basically had to drag her to the car.  Fun times.  When we got in the car she asked for some nuts.  ( I always keep bags of nuts in my car for when I get the munchies.  Kees me from driving through somewhere and eating crap.) and so I gave her one of my bags.  That kid started shoveling them into her mouth as fast as she could.  The whole way to school was filled with shoveling nuts into her mouth followed by spitting.  We pulled up to school and i asked for the bag of nuts back.  Well she was not having that at all.  She jumps out of the car and goes full on tantrum (you know, stomping, spitting and screaming at me).  I grab her by the hand and start dragging her towards the drop off area where all the teachers and paras wait for the kids.  She still has the bag of nuts in her hand.  I ask for them again and she tells me no.  I try to grab them from her (one of the paras is quietly waiting for me to hand her off to her) and get them but then she goes running out into the street where the buses are pulling in and out stomping and screaming.  At this point two other paras (one who is the nicest man but will use his brawn if need be and it need be) come running out to get her out of the way of the busses and into the safety of the waiting area.  Now she has three paras all around her trying to calm her down and one looks at me and tells me its okay for me to go, they got it.  I start walking away and my emotions just washed over me like a giant tidal wave.  “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry”. I kept walking back to the car where Emma and Nolan were waiting for me to take them to school.  As I opened the car door I could feel the first tear start to fall.  “Keep it together.  Don’t cry.”  I get in the car and Nolan says, “I’m sorry you had to do that mommy.”  Oh how the floodgates did open!  Emma leaned over and hugged me and I just sobbed.  She just kept saying, “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this mom.” Once I finally got myself calmed down I told them both that I wasn’t crying for me.  I was crying for her.  My poor, sweet Gillian who is trapped inside this body of emotions that she doesn’t know how to handle.  She doesn’t know how to cope and deal with the everyday pressures of life.  She doesn’t know how to communicate with us how she is feeling, or what she is thinking or how we can help her.  I weep because I my hurt for and with her.  Those tears were cleansing tears.  I do not apologize for the tears I cry (Okay, sometimes I do, but I am quickly reminded that there is no need for apologies), they are tears of compassion, tears of pain and always tears of healing. 

Jesus wept.  These two words give you and me permission to weep, too.  We are free to let the tears fall.  There is no reason to hold them in.  There is no reason to apologize for them when they do start to fall.  God will weep with us when we weep, whether they be tears of compassion or tears of pain He weeps with us.  Weeping is powerful.  Weeping brings healing.  God gives us so many promises when it comes to our tears-

 Psalm 30:5b, “weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”  

Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever.”

After I cried those tears in the car this morning I was able to laugh. I got the hurt out and was able to move forward to the joy.  Emma, Nolan and I were all able to take a deep breathe and move forward making each other laugh all the way to school.  And I know that on this side of Heaven I will shed many more tears and that’s okay, but on the day that God brings me home to be with Him there will be no more tears for eternity.  So for now, I thank God for giving me the permission to weep as Jesus wept and I do so unapologetically just like Jesus did.  

Walking On Eggshells

  We’ve all had that person in our life, right?  You know, the one that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around. You tiptoe around conversations in hopes of avoiding setting them off.  You think really hard about what you want to say so that you don’t end up getting their wrath upon you for saying the wrong thing.  Being around them is super stressful and you try to avoid it at all cost. Did someone in particular just pop into your head?  You know who they are even though they have no clue that they are that person.  It sucks having someone like that in your life. Especially when you are told that you can’t say or do certain things around them so you don’t set them off. Especially when you realize that everyone that comes in contact with this person is walking on eggshells too. It’s exhausting and annoying and stressful.  Who wants a life lived walking on eggshells?  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt,  not planning on going back thank you very much. 

     Now here’s a shocker.... my kids don’t always speak kindly to one another.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  My kids rarely speak kindly to one another.  My youngest two know how to push each other’s buttons like professionals playing a poker slot machine. They love to tell each other no when asked for something by the other.  When asked to not do something by the other they for some reason think it’s Opposite Day and do it anyway.  I am often saying, “respect the ask”  and  “respect the no”.  I am rarely heard.  I can hear all you parents out there shaking your heads because you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s annoying as heck isn’t it?  

    Gillian gets involved in this too. They both know how to push her buttons as well. The other day in the car she had a Starbucks and Emma asked for a drink and Gillian told her “no”.  Then Nolan asked for a drink and well because he’s Nolan she said “of course!” and gave him a drink. This irritated Emma and cracked Nolan up.  Well Nolan being the clever boy that he is asked Gillian if he could hold her Starbucks and she happily obliged.  He then proceeded to hand it to Emma so she could get a drink. Nolan and Emma were both cracking up hysterically at his cleverness and Gillian was pissed and immediately ripped her drink out of Emma’s hands. I have to admit, it was very clever and kind what he had done, but I had to point out that he did not respect Gillian’s no and he wasn’t to do it again.  Remember how I said I was rarely heard?  Ya.  He did it again and this time Gillian was furious when she went to grab her drink back and of course it ended up all over the car and crazy mom came out with her fire and fury.  “Why would you do that again?!  Why would you push her buttons like that?  This is exactly why I told you to not do it!”  Nolan and Emma both had grumpy looks on their faces. I could tell that they were so irritated that this sister of theirs was causing issues again and they felt like they were being blamed for it. 

   The fire and fury subsided after a few minutes and  everyone in the car was completely quiet.  I suddenly started having flashbacks to being around my eggshell person.  The feelings I felt inside were horrible.  I hated walking on eggshells and now it sounds like I’m making my kids walk on eggshells around their sister so as to not set her off.  I don’t want to do this to my kids. I don’t want them to feel this way.  Breath.  Just breath. Calm down and rethink this.   You are not going to allow your kids to have an eggshell childhood. No one wants to live in that fear.   No kid wants those kinds of memories. 

    I finally calmed down and talked like a sane parent to my kids. “You guys, I’m sorry for losing my cool.  I know it sounds like I’m asking you to walk on eggshells around your sister so she doesn’t freak out.  That’s not at all what I am asking. I’m asking that we all respect each other and what each person is saying.  I’m asking that when Nolan tells you no to something Emma you don’t get all offended and selfish but that you respect his no. Nolan, I’m asking that when Emma tells you to stop doing something that instead of being mean and continue doing it, you respect her ask and stop.  I’m asking that we all respect each other and each other’s words.  I’m also asking that when we know someone is in a bad mood or having a bad day we show some grace to them and love on them instead of pushing their buttons and making them mad.  I’m not getting mad here because you upset Gillian, I’m mad because you don’t respect each other and treat one another kindly.  So please please please know that I am not at all asking you to walk on eggshells when you’re around Gillian. I’m asking us all to respect one another. Does that make sense?”  As I spoke I could see their faces become less irritated.  I could see their anger soften and understanding coming through.  They both nodded their heads that they got what I was saying and then they both apologized to Gillian. 

    I don’t ever want my kids to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their special needs sister or around each other.  I don’t want them to live in fear of setting her off. I don’t want them to think they have to have that kind of responsibility. I do want my kids to know that they have to respect people’s words and treat people kindly and extend grace to one another when necessary.  Their actions and words are their responsibility and that is what I want them to remember from their childhood when they are adults.  

The Aftermath

    This past week with Gillian without her “stuff” has been mostly great. We’ve had a few breakdowns and tantrums over “stuff” but she has recovered quickly.   She actually seems happier and less stressed now that she doesn’t have a bunch of junk to worry about.  Before this whole ordeal of taking everything away, she wasn’t that great. She hadn’t been eating that well, her anxiety levels were through the roof and our home felt like we had no peace in it. We were all at the end of our ropes and barely hanging on.  Since Monday she has been eating like a normal person should eat.  Which I think helps with being happy. Her anxiety levels are slowly diminishing and we are all feeling a sense of peace in our home. On Friday Gillian sat in the kitchen with me while I was food prepping for the week and we listened to music, had a dance party and laughed.  I haven’t enjoyed being around this child in so long.  My heart was so very happy.  On Friday nights we always go out for family dinner just the five of us and lately Gillian either didn’t want to go or she’d go and have a meltdown and we’d all be miserable. This past Friday night she was excited to go with us, ate all her dinner and was a joy to be around. It was a perfect family dinner out. Can’t remember the last time we had one of those. 

   Bottom line here is is that the “stuff” was weighing her down. The “stuff” had her so occupied that she couldn’t think about anything other than her “stuff”. Not even eating. She couldn’t enjoy life because all that “stuff” kept getting in the way.  Now that the “stuff” is gone she is free to enjoy her life and food and her family! Without her “stuff” she can now experience peace. 

   Can we just take a moment here and replace all the above “stuff” words and replace it with “sin”?  

-  Bottom line here is is that our “sin” is weighing us down. Our “sin” has us so occupied that we can’t think about anything other than our “sin”. Not even eating. We can’t enjoy life because all our “sin” keeps getting in the way.  Once our “sin” is gone we are free to enjoy our lives and food and our families. Without our “sin “ we can experience peace.-

   That “sin” space can be filled with a number of different things- An addiction (food, drugs, shopping, porn, gaming, sex, Netflix binging, etc...), laziness, gossiping, sinful anger (there is righteous anger but that’s now what I’m talking about here), judgment, and more. The bottom line is that sin keeps us from God and from enjoying Him.  Just like Gillian’s “stuff” kept her from enjoying her life. We become so preoccupied with our sin, whether it’s doing the sinful act or trying to hide the sin so others don’t know about it. It keeps us focused on it rather then being focused on Christ, the One who already paid the horrific debt for that sin. The One who’s waiting for you to let the sin go so you can enjoy the freedom he ransomed Himself for!  

   So let me ask you this, what can you put in that “stuff” blank?  What sin is weighing you down and keeping you from enjoying life?  What sin has you so preoccupied that you can’t see anything past it?  

Matthew 11:28-30 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

    Lay down your “stuff” at the cross and take up the yoke of Christ.  He wants to give you rest from the burdens of the sin you’ve been carrying around. 

————————————

The Real Vacation- Finale

  As soon as Gillian realized the “stuff” was gone she came after me. She always come after me first. I’m the one she spends the most time with so I’m her safety person.  She was all up in my face asking where her stuff was.  My heart was racing and my breathing was short.  “I don’t know how I am going to deal with this”.  Howie came into the room and pulled her out and War World 5 started.  The kids and I stayed in the bedroom and shut the door while Howie worked on defusing the bomb, I mean Gillian, in the other room.  It was a tense stand-off that lasted almost 20 minutes.  Once we could safely leave the room we gathered up our bags and headed to the car and took off for the beach. The whole way there all we heard from Gillian was “where’s my blanket. Where’s my pillow. Where’s my Santa picture. Where’s my lipstick. Where’s my purse. Where’s my umbrella. Where’s my phone.” Over and over and over and over and over again.  She was a broken record.  There was also spitting and stomping going on in the back seat.  We made sure the doors were locked and the window locks were in place because you never know with her.

   We got to the beach and got all of our chairs and the blanket set out. Gillian sat in the chair next me, Emma sat on the blanket and the boys went for a walk down the beach. I exhaled. This was nice and I just knew Gillian was going to be happy because she loves the beach.   We could finally all relax and enjoy our time together as a family.  “Gillian don’t throw the sand”. “Gillian stop spitting”. Dang it, I exhaled to soon!   Next thing I know she has taken the two largest handfuls of sand known to man and thrown them all over Emma.  Then she gets up and throws her chair across the beach.   Fortunately, the boys were close enough for me to call them back to help out. We got Gillian calmed down again and then helped Emma get the sand out of her hair, off her back, shoulders and neck and out of her purse.  We decided to have a bit of a laugh over this one because my motto is “you either laugh or cry” and at this point in our trip we had done way too much crying. So we laughed. 

    I felt so bad for Emma and  I decided that she and I needed to take a stroll down the beach by ourselves.  Off we went. This was nice. This was calm. This was quiet. I love spending one on one time with this child of mine. I think we walked about 30 feet before I heard Gillian screaming at me from behind. “Wait!  Wait!  Come back!  Stop right now!”  Then I hear Howie, “You have a stalker. You’d better run!”  I looked at Emma, we both smiled and I said “run!”. So Emma and I took off running down the beach cracking up laughing with Gillian running behind trying to catch up.  We didn’t get very far because it’s really hard to run fast when you are laughing hysterically. Gillian got so mad that she walked into the water and got all wet and almost lost her shoes.  “Reality discipline” is what my friend called it!  We had a good laugh over Gillian’s tantrum this time. I think that’s what we all needed.  

  We ended up walking the beach together as a family and enjoying ourselves.  We were able to go have lunch without any craziness and decided it would be best to skip the park and head home early after all the Wars we had fought.  The ride home was peaceful and full of great music and singing. We came exhausted but we came home as a family that continues to walk the journey together relying on Christ to get us through each crazy moment of every crazy day. 

  This, my friends, was the Real Vacation. The behind the scenes of all those happy vacation pictures.  The moments between the smiles for the camera. Isn’t it funny how we all do that?  (It actually isn’t funny at all. It’s sad) It’s like wmhen you are yelling at your kids and then the phones rings and you answer it sounding like mother Theresa.  “Hello.  Oh hi!  How are you?  I’m doing great. Life is wonderful. Thanks for asking”. You hang up the phone and the exorcist comes back out at your kids.  The next time you look at someone’s happy social media photos just remember that you only have to smile for a split second to get that photo.  

 

-My sweet daughter Emma and I with a photobomb by Nolan-

The Real Vacation- Part 3

(Who knew that a 24 hour trip to Monterey could turn into a 4 part mini series?!)

    Everyone woke up in a decent mood on Sunday. (I say decent because we do have a teenager and we all know how they can be in the mornings. Especially when their little brother wakes them up by jumping on the bed that they are sharing.). Our plan for the day was to hit up the breakfast buffet at the hotel, then head to the beach in Carmel, have lunch at Cannery Row Brewing Company, followed by a couple hours of play time at Dennis the Menace Park and then we would head home.  Everyone was showered and dressed and Howie and Nolan had walked across the street and got Starbucks for Emma and I while we were getting ready so we were all in great moods now. It was now time to walk downstairs for breakfast.  

    World War 4- the battle between the quilt and pillow and Gillian had begun.  We sent the other two kids downstairs to the safety of the breakfast buffet while Howie and I began hostage negotiations. 5 minutes later we were walking out the door without the quilt and pillow! We won! Woohoo! We kick butt at this parenting stuff! That’s right, who’s your mama who’s your daddy!!  We are awesome!!! Ya!!! 

    Umm...not so fast.   I sat her down at the table the other two kids had saved for us and walked over to grab a plate to get her food.  Next thing I knew Gillian was running after me stomping, spitting and yelling.  Just picture how a 2 year old throws a tantrum in public.  We all see that and chuckle because we’ve “been there done that”.  Well when a 19 year old does it in public no one chuckles.  It’s quite awkward. Quite humiliating. I’m often surprised (and thankful) that people don’t call security on her or me.  I walked over and grabbed her arm and kept her as close to me as possible while walking through the buffet line to get her food. I got her back to the table and got her situated and tried to get back up to go get my food but she wasn’t  having any of that. So my wonderful husband brought  me bacon. All is now almost right in the world.        

      We manage to get through the rest of breakfast without any more drama and I was eventually able to go get my own plate of food by myself. I really just needed more of that bacon!  As we were finishing up the last of our food Howie declares that he will be taking away all of Gillian’s “stuff” when we get back to the room.  He’s done with it. It causes too much drama and she’s like an addict and it needs to be ripped away from her. Emma, Nolan and I freaked out even though I knew he was totally right. None of us wanted to deal with the backlash that would come from this.  It took a lot of convincing, but in the end we all agreed that ripping everything from the clutches of her hands was best. Howie ran up ahead of us to the room to hide the quilt and pillow in his bag.  She had been taking about it nonstop all through breakfast and couldn’t wait to get back up to the room to have it. Oh boy, was she in store for a big surprise!.......to be continued. 

The Real Vacation- Part 2

     After dealing with a Gillian battle I usually have a headache and am completely exhausted. But we are on vacation and we are going to have fun even if I have to force it, gosh darn it!  I often forget that I’m not the only one experiencing the Gillian’s anxiety attacks in the family.  I don’t realize that the aftermath of the tornado that just went through affects all 4 of us (Howie, Emma and Nolan).  So here we are at one of our favorite restaurants in Monterey and I’m trying to make everyone have a good time and smile for pictures at dinner and they are all grumpy.  That made me grumpier and I lost it.  I gave them all a piece of my mind that I didn’t have to spare. I wanted them to feel bad for not being happy. I wanted them to know that they were ruining the family trip that I had planned to make them all happy. I wanted them to know that I was not happy. I finished saying what was on my mind and we finished our pizza in silence and went back to the hotel and I went into our room and shut the door and cried.  I was done.  

    Thank God I have an extremely patient and loving husband who didn’t get mad at me or judge me, but instead came into the room and let me cry and unleash all that I was feeling.   “I’m done. I’m spent. I can’t parent this child any longer. I don’t want to be her parent any longer.  I just want to run away.”  He let me go on and on for a long time. No judgment. No anger. No telling me I was wrong for how I was feeling. None of that. He just listened and understood. He got it.  He gets it.He lives this life of a special needs parent too.  Saying what I was feeling out loud made me feel better. So much better.  I went out to the living room area and apologized to my kids (Emma and Nolan) for my behavior and made sure they both knew that none of this was their fault. Emma apologized for being grumpy at dinner and I apologized to her, for about the millionth time this year, that she had to live this life with her sister. She always responds with, “Its okay mom.  I’m so sorry that you have to deal with so much with her.”  To which my reply is always, “I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t have anything left for you. I always do and I always will.”  These are the moments that I know I would never have with Emma if we didn’t have a special needs child. She and I would not have the close knit relationship that we have if it wasn’t for Gillian.  For that I am oh so very grateful.  

    We ended the evening with four of us sitting on the very small hotel room couch together while watching Spider-Man. Gillian laid on her bed next to the couch and fell fast asleep. She was exhausted. This poor adult child  of mine has no control over her anxiety or her body or her emotions. My heart was happy and aching all at the same time....... to be continued.

*A couple of the forced smiles pictures*

-The Hubs and Nolan-

-Me and Gillian-

The Real Vacation- Part 1

    We went to Monterey over the Christmas break because Gillian, our 19 year old special needs child/adult, had been asking to go to the ocean for awhile now.  I posted lots of great photos on Instagram and FB. Of course, I only posted the ones that made it look like we had a great time. A friend even made the comment, “It looks like you had a great time”.  I laughed at that because earlier in the day I sent this picture of me to one of my closest friends and said, “Me. Sitting on the beach. Going crazy. Gillian is spitting.  Gillian just threw sand at  Emma.”  Then I sent her a picture of me and Gillian all smiley and said, “But I can put this pic on FB so my life looks calm and perfect.”  

And that’s what I did and that’s what everyone thought, but that was far from the truth.  Here’s how the weekend really went....

    Gillian is obsessed with her “stuff” right now which includes: a quilt, a pillow, an umbrella, a purse, a picture of Santa, a tube of lipstick, headphones, an iPod, at least 4 bandaids on her fingers and at least 3 pieces of gum in her mouth.  She knows what her “stuff” is and if she is misses one of those items she freaks. She stresses out, spits, yells, stomps and tears things apart until she finds the missing item.  We decided to let her bring all her “stuff” along on our trip so that it would be more peaceful. Backfired!  After getting all situated in our hotel room we decided to go get dinner at Gianni’s.  We start to leave the room and Gillian has all her “stuff” in tow. Normally we let her bring everything but the quilt and pillow out of the house so naturally we told her she had to leave those things in the hotel room. World War 3 broke out. I was shoved and almost knocked over as she tried to grab these items  back from me. Spit started to fly, yelling started to happen and feet were stomping.  No this is not the motions to the newest line dancing craze. This is Gillian unleashing her anxiety. This is when our other two kids are told to leave the room and find someplace safe to be until we get her under control.  This is when I muster up any strength I have left to get her to sit down and calm down.  This is usually at least a ten minute process.  We finally left the hotel room and she had the quilt and pillow in her arms. We weren’t going to win the battle against this adult child’s anxiety this time. Fortunately she was willing to leave it in the car when we got to the restaurant but she was stressed to the max about it. 

    We walked in and Gillian, Nolan and I sat at a table while Howie and Emma went to order the food.  I took these moments to grab Gillian’s hands and pray for her and over her and with her and for me.  I pray this prayer often with her lately as her severe anxiety disorder has completely consumed her life and ours. “Dear Lord, please meet me here in this place right now. Please wash your peace over this child and take away her anxiousness. Lord, I know she knows you and has you in her heart, I ask that your Holy Spirit would pour his fruits out of her. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.  Let these fruits pour out of me as well, Lord.  Give me the strength and wisdom I need to help this child.  Help her, God.  Please help her. Let her be comfortable in her skin. Let her fear nothing.  Let her just have peace.  Oh how she needs peace.  Thank you for getting us through another battle. Thank you for being here with us and never leaving us.  Amen.”

    I know she feels bad.  She gives me a big hug and a kiss and I tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am for getting so upset at her. I know she doesn’t really get my apologies but that doesn’t mean I keep them from her.  The rest of the family rejoins us and we finally sit in peace as a family for a moment......to be continued.