The Real Vacation- Part 2

     After dealing with a Gillian battle I usually have a headache and am completely exhausted. But we are on vacation and we are going to have fun even if I have to force it, gosh darn it!  I often forget that I’m not the only one experiencing the Gillian’s anxiety attacks in the family.  I don’t realize that the aftermath of the tornado that just went through affects all 4 of us (Howie, Emma and Nolan).  So here we are at one of our favorite restaurants in Monterey and I’m trying to make everyone have a good time and smile for pictures at dinner and they are all grumpy.  That made me grumpier and I lost it.  I gave them all a piece of my mind that I didn’t have to spare. I wanted them to feel bad for not being happy. I wanted them to know that they were ruining the family trip that I had planned to make them all happy. I wanted them to know that I was not happy. I finished saying what was on my mind and we finished our pizza in silence and went back to the hotel and I went into our room and shut the door and cried.  I was done.  

    Thank God I have an extremely patient and loving husband who didn’t get mad at me or judge me, but instead came into the room and let me cry and unleash all that I was feeling.   “I’m done. I’m spent. I can’t parent this child any longer. I don’t want to be her parent any longer.  I just want to run away.”  He let me go on and on for a long time. No judgment. No anger. No telling me I was wrong for how I was feeling. None of that. He just listened and understood. He got it.  He gets it.He lives this life of a special needs parent too.  Saying what I was feeling out loud made me feel better. So much better.  I went out to the living room area and apologized to my kids (Emma and Nolan) for my behavior and made sure they both knew that none of this was their fault. Emma apologized for being grumpy at dinner and I apologized to her, for about the millionth time this year, that she had to live this life with her sister. She always responds with, “Its okay mom.  I’m so sorry that you have to deal with so much with her.”  To which my reply is always, “I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t have anything left for you. I always do and I always will.”  These are the moments that I know I would never have with Emma if we didn’t have a special needs child. She and I would not have the close knit relationship that we have if it wasn’t for Gillian.  For that I am oh so very grateful.  

    We ended the evening with four of us sitting on the very small hotel room couch together while watching Spider-Man. Gillian laid on her bed next to the couch and fell fast asleep. She was exhausted. This poor adult child  of mine has no control over her anxiety or her body or her emotions. My heart was happy and aching all at the same time....... to be continued.

*A couple of the forced smiles pictures*

-The Hubs and Nolan-

-Me and Gillian-