This morning was a rough one with Gillian. The entire last week has been been a swinging pendulum on the rough not rough scale. Today it swung towards rough. The morning started out well. Gillian was in a great mood and excited about the eye doctor appointment we have this afternoon. She loves going to the doctor’s, thank goodness since she’s had to go to so many in her lifetime. We got ready for school without any drama until it was time to actually get in to the car to go. I basically had to drag her to the car. Fun times. When we got in the car she asked for some nuts. ( I always keep bags of nuts in my car for when I get the munchies. Kees me from driving through somewhere and eating crap.) and so I gave her one of my bags. That kid started shoveling them into her mouth as fast as she could. The whole way to school was filled with shoveling nuts into her mouth followed by spitting. We pulled up to school and i asked for the bag of nuts back. Well she was not having that at all. She jumps out of the car and goes full on tantrum (you know, stomping, spitting and screaming at me). I grab her by the hand and start dragging her towards the drop off area where all the teachers and paras wait for the kids. She still has the bag of nuts in her hand. I ask for them again and she tells me no. I try to grab them from her (one of the paras is quietly waiting for me to hand her off to her) and get them but then she goes running out into the street where the buses are pulling in and out stomping and screaming. At this point two other paras (one who is the nicest man but will use his brawn if need be and it need be) come running out to get her out of the way of the busses and into the safety of the waiting area. Now she has three paras all around her trying to calm her down and one looks at me and tells me its okay for me to go, they got it. I start walking away and my emotions just washed over me like a giant tidal wave. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry”. I kept walking back to the car where Emma and Nolan were waiting for me to take them to school. As I opened the car door I could feel the first tear start to fall. “Keep it together. Don’t cry.” I get in the car and Nolan says, “I’m sorry you had to do that mommy.” Oh how the floodgates did open! Emma leaned over and hugged me and I just sobbed. She just kept saying, “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this mom.” Once I finally got myself calmed down I told them both that I wasn’t crying for me. I was crying for her. My poor, sweet Gillian who is trapped inside this body of emotions that she doesn’t know how to handle. She doesn’t know how to cope and deal with the everyday pressures of life. She doesn’t know how to communicate with us how she is feeling, or what she is thinking or how we can help her. I weep because I my hurt for and with her. Those tears were cleansing tears. I do not apologize for the tears I cry (Okay, sometimes I do, but I am quickly reminded that there is no need for apologies), they are tears of compassion, tears of pain and always tears of healing.
Jesus wept. These two words give you and me permission to weep, too. We are free to let the tears fall. There is no reason to hold them in. There is no reason to apologize for them when they do start to fall. God will weep with us when we weep, whether they be tears of compassion or tears of pain He weeps with us. Weeping is powerful. Weeping brings healing. God gives us so many promises when it comes to our tears-
Psalm 30:5b, “weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
After I cried those tears in the car this morning I was able to laugh. I got the hurt out and was able to move forward to the joy. Emma, Nolan and I were all able to take a deep breathe and move forward making each other laugh all the way to school. And I know that on this side of Heaven I will shed many more tears and that’s okay, but on the day that God brings me home to be with Him there will be no more tears for eternity. So for now, I thank God for giving me the permission to weep as Jesus wept and I do so unapologetically just like Jesus did.
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