I recently went though an 18 month period that was filled with so much pain and healing and growing. It was a hard time to go through but a much needed time for my soul. During this 18 month period I shed many tears (surprise surprise), yelled at God a lot, talked through my own failures with Howie, asked for forgiveness from those I had hurt, forgave those who had hurt me, had a gazillion conversations with a few close friends about areas that I needed to grow in, spent a lot of quiet time alone with just me and God, rested physically and spiritually and matured a lot. It was quite a fulfilling 18 months. What started this 18 month journey was stepping down from a ministry leadership position and stepping back from counseling others. I did this because I felt that God told me I needed a season of rest and to learn to focus on Him first and then my family. It was such a hard decision for me to make as my heart’s desires is to minister to others through counseling, teaching and leading, but I was at a place in my life where I had no peace and felt like I was a chicken with my head cut off running into walls most days. My family was suffering because I was so focused on other things, albeit they were good things but they were taking up more time then God wanted them to.
The first few months of “healing” (that’s what we shall call this 18 month span of life) I was angry. Angry at myself mostly because I felt like I had failed people and I had failed at my jobs of being a leader, a counselor, a mom and a wife. I felt like I had let so many people down. It crushed me. I was angry at people who had said hurtful things to me or who I felt had just walked away during my time of need. Angry at God for taking away my heart’s desire of helping people. It was a tough few months. I had to learn to take my angry thoughts captive all over again and lay them at the feet of Christ. I had to think on whatsoever things are true, right, noble and just. I had to get the enemy out of my head so I could hear what God was trying to tell me. I had to get self doubt out of my head so I could remember who I was in Christ and that that was all that mattered. It took me some time to believe the truths that God and others were telling me; “God only wanted me in that position for a season and that season had ended.’ “Lives were touched during my time in ministry. God had used me in so many ways to reach His people.” “People were not out to intentionally hurt me.” It was a huge battle in my mind that I had to fight daily. I would work through the checklist of all the ways I had failed and all the ways I had let people down. I allowed myself to beat my own self up. Fortunately I have a God who is so much bigger than me and He began to build me up.
My journal entry from one of the days during the first three months of healing- “So much runs through my mind on a daily basis. It feels like this constant battle with my thoughts. I can’t seem to grasp at the truths in these thoughts and feelings that I’m having and it’s so frustrating. A friend thinks that I’m hiding and avoiding friendships and yet it has been so the opposite of that lately and I feel like I have been honest and open in telling her that. I feel that people think that since I’m not in a ministry ministering to people right now that that’s not okay. Yet I am still doing ministry stuff, it’s just not out there for everyone to see like it was before and I am not up on a stage talking about it right now. I help in the children’s ministry, I‘m on the worship team, I’m mentoring/counseling 4 different women, I’m ministering to my kids and my husband. Someone recently told me that my story needs to keep getting shared. Ya, I agree and it does ALL THE TIME. I don’t have to stand on a stage or lead a group to tell my story.
Wait, wow, what?! That’s exactly what I needed to tell myself. I DON’T HAVE TO STAND ON A STAGE OR LEAD A GROUP OR AN ENTIRE MINISTRY TO SHARE MY STORY! And I don’t have to share every great encounter I have with people or in my quiet time with God with people for it to mean something.
This is a personal time for me, this season of my life. It’s a time for me to reflect privately with God. A time for me to share my story in private with others. It’s not a season for shouting from the mountaintops. It’s a season of sitting beside the quiet creek and hearing a still small voice whisper in my ear.
No need to stir up any pots or emotions right now, Caroline. No you just sit here and quietly be with Me for as long as it takes. Just be still, My child. Let Me calm the chaos in your head. Let Me pull back the waters that are flooding your heart. Let Me bring rest to your sweet, weary soul. Me... Me. Can you hear Me, daughter?
Can you let it just be Me?
Can you let My voice drown out the rest?
Can you let My Words cover and push out all the lies?
Just be with Me?
Just Me.
Me.
You have nothing that you need to solve. I’ve got it. You have nothing that you need to do. I’ve got it. You have no battles that you have to go fight. I’ve got it. You have no one but Me you have to answer to.
Be with Me. Let Me fill you till you overflow. Let Me love you how you need to be loved. Let Me. I’ve got this. Lean on Me. Let Me be in control. Let Me do the worrying. Let Me carry all your burdens. I’ve got this. Can you just give it all to me? Can I be your everything? It’s what I so long to be.”
That day was a breaking point for me. A day when God pierced so deeply into my soul and showed me how much healing I really did need to do and that I needed to do it His way and not mine. There was no magic formula or time frame for me to get through this season God had brought me to. I needed to just be still, be patient and be with God and God alone. I needed to share my deepest, darkest hurts and thoughts with Him, not with my friends. I needed to cry on His shoulder, not my husband’s. I needed to sit alone with Him, not in a crowded coffee shop with strangers. This was not a time for me to be in community with people, it was a time for me to be in community with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I could finally stop fighting the lies in my head and start believing the truths in my heart. This was the beginning of my soul healing...............
No comments:
Post a Comment