About five and a half years into our marriage Chris had had enough liquid courage one night to tell me about an affair he was having. I still remember that night as if it had just happened. I was a wreck and so began our journey down the road of infidelity and addictions. We told only a few people about what was going on in our marriage at the time. It was a very isolating time of my life. I was embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened in my marriage and drew away from people in hopes that they woudln’t find out about it. It took a couple of months after the confession for us to realize that we needed counseling if we were going to have any hope of keeping this marriage together. We went to some close friends and asked them to help us out and they walked along side us on this horrible journey we were now embarking. For the next 10 years we lived in marital hell. I was a complete co-dependent who thought that all my husband’s problems were because of me. I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t good enough. My daily existence became trying to please him and make him happy. It was a task I could never accomplish and I would beat myself up mentally daily because of it. Chris went from addiction to addiction over the next 10 years and encountered a few emotional affairs as well. We were two really messed up people full of sin trying to hide from the rest of the world just how bad things had gotten.
In the midst of our 10 year journey through hell I tried a few times to get help from the Church that we attended at the time. At one point I took the girls and moved into my parent’s house. When our pastor got word of this he immediately asked to meet with Chris and I. I explained to him all that had been going on in our marriage and he responded by asking me when I was going to move back home. I was stunned. He told me that the kids and I needed to be back in the house by the end of the week and we all needed to be in Church on Sunday. Then he turned to Chris and asked if he was going to be playing in the softball game that weekend and that was all they talked about after that. No counseling, no help, no love. Basically we were told to sweep it all under the rug, be at Church on Sunday and look happy. Unfortunately we would be stuck at this Church for a couple more years until God led us elsewhere.
In the Spring of 2010 God finally softened Chris’ heart to look for another Church. We came up with a list of about 5 Churches that we wanted to visit and decided we would start with a Church in Stockton that first Sunday. Well we got up too late that Sunday morning and realized we wouldn’t make it in time for the service. So we grabbed our list and figured out what Church we could make it to. Redeemer Church was the only one that fit our timing that morning so we got ready and off we went. We sat near the front row and listened to the sermon, it wasn’t the normal pastor that Sunday, but it was a good sermon and the worship was amazing and the people so welcoming. We got in the car afterwards and we both said, “That place feels like home” and we never visited another Church. On about our third or fourth Sunday at Redeemer this guy got up front and shared his story and talked about a men’s group he was starting up, His story mirrored our story- adultery, addictions, broken marriage. My jaw hit the floor. Mostly because I couldn’t believe that he was actually allowed to talk about this from the front of the Church! I had never witnessed anything like this before and it was so refreshing, so wonderful. I was in awe that God had finally brought us to a place where we could get help when we asked for it. A place where we didn’t have to hide any longer. A place where we would find healing.
When Emma was about 2 we decided to try for another kid. Why not? I thought that maybe it would help our help marriage (yes, funny, I know). I figured that since it was so easy to get pregnant the last time all my infertility issues were gone and it would be just as easy this time. Nope. We tried on and off for 6 years. It was horrible. I cried so often because, honestly, in the back of my head I thought that this was just another way that I wasn’t good enough for Chris. (We were in the midst of our journey through hell at this point.) I had finally come to a point, after years of trying, where I was done trying to get pregnant and had completely given up. Our marriage was finally on the right track, we were finally getting the help and support we both needed and we were in an amazing Church body surrounded by people who loved us and people we loved dearly. That’s when God decided it was time for another baby. It was funny because when you get pregnant when you already have a 13 year old and a nine year old everyone thinks it was an “oops” baby, but no, he was our miracle baby that we had tried and prayed for for so long for.
To be continued.......
To be continued.......
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